Crucial Conversations
How to have life-giving conversations when emotions run strong, opinions are opposed, and when the stakes are high.
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(by Trent Heaton, Rockford Men’s Ministry lead)
Join us for Men’s Connect: Rockford Campus in the Landing (1st and 3rd Weds. of each month, 6:00am)
Over the course of my life I’ve come to see that communication is probably one of the most crucial aspects of loving others well. The way we say or do things really matters. One of the most impactful tools God has used in my life for helping me grow in my ability to communicate is the book Crucial Conversations.
In my marriage, I like to think I communicate well. I often believe that whenever there’s a miscommunication or a misunderstanding, it’s just because my wife isn’t “getting it” or that she is somehow at fault for what I so obviously and clearly articulated. Come to find out that many times I am not being as clear as I think I am – especially as our emotions build and as we have differences in opinion on how various things should happen and as we talk about things where there’s something at stake. It’s in these moments of fog that we need clarity on how to communicate well. But there’s something even more significant than what is being said and how it’s being said: it’s why we are communicating in the first place.
One of the biggest “lightbulb” moments for me with Crucial Conversations wasn’t about the content or process of conversing well.
It was: why on earth do I care to communicate with this person at all?
When I am able to answer that question honestly and address the underlying reasons behind what I hope for myself, the other person and our relationship together, then I begin to see them not as a project to fix nor a problem to be solved or corrected, but rather as a person to love.
Let me say it another way:
When I sense a conversation with my wife about our finances is getting heated and we’re feeling increasingly frustrated, I have to remember…
What do I really want from this conversation with my wife right now?
What do I really want for myself? For my wife? For us together?
What matters most?
When I think about the conversation in those terms I come to a crossroads of honest reflection:
Do I really want my wife to share her thoughts or do I just want her to say “yessir” and submit unquestioningly to my authority?
Do I want to have peace in finances in my marriage or do I just want to stop arguing?
Do I want my wife to feel love, cherished, and protected or do I just want her to shut up?
Do I want us to have a marriage where we feel that we are a team and that we can talk about anything at all or do I just want a business partner who increases my profitability and minimizes my liabilities?
And more deeply…
Who do I trust to take care of these issues for me?
Do I trust the Lord to provide and thus can take that demand off my wife to do everything exactly as I want?
Do I trust that as I take one small step in faith after another, that in doing so the Lord will “give me this day my daily bread”? Or do I look to myself as the end-all be-all of these matters?
Do I see my way as the only way I can accomplish my goal?
Ooof. Men this is tough. But these are the kinds of things I want us thinking about, processing, and helping each other remain focused on. Crucial Conversations will help give us a structure by which we can pursue conversations of total honesty and love, of true respect and transparency. And in these conversations, we can better reflect the love that we have received from Jesus that the world around us so desperately needs.
I hope you’re able to join us for the June 5 and 19 Men’s Connect, at the Rockford Campus (The Landing, downstairs to the right of Door 1) at 6:00am.
For questions, reach out to me: Trent Heaton – [email protected]
