Attack Your Obstacles: Loneliness and M@M

This means we help men:

– Define Your Mission according to the Word, Spirit and People of God.

– Build Your Team of men who can aid you in your mission and whom you can help them in theirs.

– Endure in Your Mission to not only survive but thrive in the pursuit of God’s mission for your life.

– Attack Your Obstacles as an active agent of Christ with the indwelling Holy Spirit to pursue a life worthy of the Gospel.

From time to time, we’ll be posting articles written by the Men at Magnify to address each of these. While each one may not speak comprehensively to each value, we aim to build a collection of ideas to help the men of our church discuss life with each other.

I’ve come across more and more articles and organizations seeking to address the question: “Why are men so lonely?”

Amongst the answers are things like:

– “societal expectations” as a result of toxic masculinity

– “unrealistic individualism” from a faulty understanding of self-reliance

– work being tied to self-worth

– a lack of authenticity

While these answers have some merit, we also know that all of this is downstream of the source of the poison well that is Sin. This isn’t just painting broad strokes to make a relational conversation a religious one – it’s necessary to attacking the real problem.

When we fail to get the diagnosis of the issue right, we fail to address the problem rightly (I’m lookin’ at you Britain’s Ministry of Loneliness).

Sin breaks not only relationship with God, but it broke relationship with man’s connection to others, to Creation and even to himself. We are hardwired defaulted to self-service. This goes beyond mere survival instincts. This goes to every facet of our life – we are prone to love of self over love of everyone else. This is at the heart of our betrayal of God, others, Creation, and ourselves.

I’m not going to claim to be a know-it-all on this subject – I’m not a sociologist, psychologist, therapist or any other -ist that I am aware of (other than “baptist”). But I’ve been working alongside men for a long time and have seen the damage of loneliness in my own life. So here’s what I’ve seen:

Men are lonely because…

Some of the ways to ATTACK THIS OBSTACLE then look something like…

– Being known: Being willing to be vulnerable with other men is hard and scary. But there is also a level of “comfortable transparency” that is also an enemy of being known. On the one hand we can be fearful of sharing anything and on the other we can be comfortable to share some things, without being fully known. And to not be fully known is not to be fully loved. This doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good idea to be a bleeding heart, exposing all your mess to everyone all the time. But it does mean having trustworthy men of God in your life to be known all the way through. To be willing to admit your deepest insecurities and faults and to allow them to speak with truth wisdom, life, and love into it. Being known is one antidote to loneliness.

– Paying the Cost: This willingness to risk being known is costly. It can be costly in the upfront risk taken to be the first one to say, “Hey, I think I might have a problem…” or “Would you like to hang out some time?”. But there’s also cost in being and remaining connected with other men. Frankly, it’s just “cheaper” to stay home, travel alone, veg-out, and scroll your phone. It doesn’t cost me any time to just sit and read or watch videos on my own. It doesn’t cost me any energy to celebrate other’s victories or grieve their losses if i don’t have to. The lie we believe is that the cost is to high. But we know that this is a bold-faced lie of the enemy who seeks to divide and attack us. The truth is that the higher the cost, the better the relationship. Jesus himself said so: “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friend.” (John 15:13) Pay the cost – it’s worth it.

– Aim Higher: As we assess and “count the cost” of relationship, we also need to do so in light of what we’re doing together. It’s my firm belief that recreation and hobby interests are great ways of building relationships. But going fishing, playing board games or mountain biking with buddies is not a good foundation to build the house of friendship on. It might be great window-dressing or even interior walls in the relationship. It might be a good way (or the best way) to start a friendship. But we all know that tight bonds – the best of foundations – are often best (or perhaps only?) formed through adversity and shared purpose. Adversity comes when we are willing to risk that which is comfortable, controlled, and safe, to step into the unknown. The tragedy is that many men exchange safety or comfort for perceived or artificial risk, rather than being willing to actually nosedive into very real danger. While snowboarding over cliffs has danger to it, it lacks a pursuit of others in light of Gospel truth. While hiking across mountain ridges has it’s challenges, what purpose did it end up serving in the pursuit of loving others well? These aren’t bad pursuits – I love snowboarding, hockey, shooting guns, cutting down huge trees, and general rough-and-tumble guy stuff. But at best, I see this as preparation for the real risks we need to take as men to live courageously and dangerously for the Gospel. And at worst, it’s a distraction or facade that leads me to believe I am doing something risky, without any level of true risk. One of the men in our church often tells me to “Aim Higher”. This another great gut-check reminder to me to take risks on account of the Good News of Jesus, not merely for the sake of our own pleasure, comfort, and enjoyment. When we do this together, we are bound by the challenge of doing hard things and weathering them in the refuge of Our Rock and Redeemer together.

– Cover Others Six: As a man with a warrior’s heart, I’m often attracted to military/LEO lingo. The phrase “covering your six” is in reference to what we can do when entering into dangerous environments. “Covering” simply means observing and protecting. “Six” is in reference to a position around a person in relationship to a clock – if 12 o’clock is the front of you and 3 or 9 is your right and left side, respectively. Then your “6” is your backside – the side that has no ability to be aware. We all have blindspots. Part of admitting we are not God is admitting that we have limited resources – we are not all-knowing, powerful, present or eternal. Only God is. We need others to show us what we cannot see. We need others to ask us the hard questions to think through things that we want to avoid. We need others to push us physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually to achieve what we otherwise would or could not on our own. Key to attacking loneliness is to help cover other men’s six and to ensure that others are covering yours. Far too often I see men pursue others to cover someone else without being willing to admit they need theirs covered, too. Cover another man’s six and be sure others are covering yours.

– Love and Live Like Jesus: All of this is only best possible in light of the Gospel. While there may be men’s organizations seeking to address loneliness in the hearts of men through secular means (and to some level of success), this will never really scratch the true itch we have. Our most significant loneliness begins in relationship to God. Through sin we exile ourselves from Him. This is the loneliest a human can ever be: separated from the Father of Life. Which means that any amount of paint we slap on the outside of our life’s house will never really fix the terrible foundation we build it upon. As the Word reminds us: “Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.” (Ps. 127.1) And “Everyone who hears these words of mine and does what them, will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock.” (Matt. 7.24). Following in the footsteps of the Master is the best way to attack the obstacle of loneliness in our lives. As you do, He will bring others across your path who will help you and whom you can help.

Men, let’s work hard to build our house of friendship on the Rock of Jesus Christ.

Let’s work hard to pursue Him through His Word, Spirit, and People as we read, study, pray, worship, and live.

To learn more or to jump in a group, reach out here.

Stand firm-

Dir. of Men’s Ministry and Life Groups

Magnify Church