Proverbs 18:12-13:
“Before destruction a man’s heart is haughty, but humility comes before honor. If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”
ICE BREAKER
Who is someone in your life that listens well to you? What impact does this person have on your heart and your journey with Christ?
Think of a time you were not listened to? What impact did this have on you?
How well we listen has a direct connection to the words we speak. Therefore listening is crucial.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
- Ask someone close to you for feedback on your listening skills. Share with the group the feedback you received.
- After receiving feedback from someone close to you, take some time to reflect on the feedback. Ask yourself what factors help you when you listen well and what factors impede good listening. Here are some categories to think about: pride, fear, assuming we know what the person is saying, and unhealed wounds in our heart. Share with the group one thing that has helped you listen well and one thing that blocks this.
- Reflect together as a group on this quote: “Listening is one of the key attributes of the church.” Why would you think this would be accurate?
After you have discussed the quote read James 1:19-20 together: “…be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”
Try to peer into the heart of God and be curious. What is it that He values in regard to listening and why? Share your thoughts with the group.
What we are longing for here is to move away from dismissing the fact that we don’t listen well at times as though it were something of little significance. There is something very important that Christ wants to cultivate in all of us.
NOTES AND QUOTES
Making home a life giving place takes work.
When we reflect on loving by listening well we need to consider the big three:
the mind, heart and the tongue.
The heart is the place where we get wounded. Unhealed wounds in our heart negatively impact how we listen and how we relate.
Our wounded heart pulls us in a negative direction and our new mind in Christ pulls us in a redeemed direction. We can discern which wins by the way we speak.
Proverbs 18:12-13 gives us a contrast: pride and humility.
Pride goes before destruction and humility brings honor.
Think of the tone of speaking and listening in our current culture. We try to shame others and we try to be the loudest. We shout over one another. There is both pride and fear in this way of relating.
Pride shuts down our ability to listen.
James 3:14-16 speaks of selfish ambition and jealousy.
At the heart of jealousy is fear.
As our heart gives over to fear and pride it shapes our words.
The root of family or workplace disorder, chaos, and anger is fear and pride.
James 4:11 tells us not to speak evil against one another.
When I do this I end up in the role of judge and I usurp God’s role.
I have demoted God.
We must be deliberate toward communicating in biblical, God honoring ways.
Let’s look at three categories that assist us in communicating in God honoring ways: listen, think and care
Are you a good listener? What is going on in you when you are not listening well?
Here are a few of the issues that can cause us to not listen well.
I am not listening because I am waiting to talk.
At times I don’t listen well because I have already made up my mind about you. My opinion is strong so I won’t listen to you.
Another reason I may not listen well is because I am afraid. My insecurity can make me fearful as can deep wounds in current or past relationships.
Out of fear I relate to people in a manner that makes it clear I am not available for deeper talk.
The second category in good communication is to think.
We think and we process what is being spoken to us.
We don’t assume that we know a person so well that we can make broad generalizations.
For example, “She’s doing that because she is insecure.” Really? How sure are we? Do we know all that is going on in her heart?
Be redemptively curious.
This happens in marriage. We cannot assume we know all about our spouse with assumptions.
Proverbs 18:2 “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.”
So, instead of only expressing my opinion I do the opposite.
I sit “under the other person” so I can understand better.
We ask good follow up questions. Asking a good question comes from a good heart that is caring.
The third area is to care. When we care we elevate the other person.
We don’t let negative thoughts about the other person rule our mind.
We challenge assumptions we think about other people.
Prov 19:11 “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.”
The covid epidemic we are living in provides a clear example for the categories of listen, think, and care.
When we listen, think and care we eliminate a definitive position on covid. A definitive position that says I am right and you are wrong.
So, how does pride and fear impact the topic of covid?
Think about fear: some of us fear for our life while others fear loss of liberty.
These two camps don’t talk to each other very well.
Our fear can cause us to retreat from people or to attack people.
Pride: we can think we know it all and then we end up bashing each other.
God invites us to want to understand the other person.
God listens to you beautifully. Always.
